In just a few short days, the NFL makes its way across the pond and invades England. That's right UK, lock up your women and children, the Giants and Dolphins are coming to town!

Wait, is that right? The Dolphins?? Seriously? This is the best we can do? A winless bunch of scrubs? Look, we don't have many allies left, should we really be burning bridges with our biggest one?

The Dolphins are a terrible football team. Abysmal, horiffic, revolting ... and that's on a good day. And now they've lost Ronnie Brown, the one guy on their team worth watching. This is not going to be pretty.

England has given us so much over the years. Tea; The Beatles; Kate Moss; The Office. And this is how we repay them? By sending them an 0-7 football team with a quarterback named Cleo? They don't even have Chris Chambers anymore. Why on earth would anyone watch them?

This would be like England giving us a really good soccer player and him sucking when he gets here. Could you imagine how lame that would be. ... Oh wait, that just happened? My bad.

But seriously, if Roger Goodell wants to jack up interest in American football around the world, this IS NOT the way to do it. How about sending the Patriots? Or the Colts? Or even the Raiders? At the very least, the Oakland fan base could teach the Brits a thing or two about hooliganism. You want to see the right way to urinate on a fellow fan ... go to a Raiders game.

So here we sit, less than a week away from the first NFL regular season game in Europe and we face an international crisis. A crisis that can set foreign relations back 100 years. I beg you Commissioner Goodell, as an American citizen, please cancel this game. Send an actual Dolphin instead. One of those really cool ones that can catch a Frisbee and whistle the alphabet. Or just send the Dolphin cheerleaders. They're pretty hot. Anything would be better than the actual team.

But hold up ... on second thought ... we've had to put up with the Spice Girls, Simon Cowell, Coldplay and Madonna (yes, I consider her to be British) for far too many years now. I change my mind. Screw them. Send the actual Dolphins. I hope they lose by forty.

Take that, England. Cheerio.