I'm Dave ... And I'm Addicted To Fantasy Football
Sunday was a beautiful day here in New York City. About 75 degrees, bright blue skies — just picture perfect. Not that I would know. I spent the whole day inside, torturing myself.
See, Sunday means NFL, which also means Fantasy Football. And (yes, I realize how truly pathetic this next sentence is going to sound) nothing makes me quite so emotional as my fantasy football teams.
My brother and cousin came over and the three of us sat on my couch watching scores and checking our laptops - ALL DAY. How lame! And the way we acted, you would have thought we lost millions of dollars in the stock market.
AVI: Damn it, Stephen Jackson fumbled again! He sucks.
DAVE: Enough already with Stephen Jackson. Lee Evans hasn't cought a friggin' pass all day.
ADAM: Crap!
AVI/DAVE: What?
ADAM: Anquan *&%^$&% Boldin just caught another touchdown. I'm dead!
AVI: I hate fantasy football.
DAVE: Me too. I'm over it. I give up.
ADAM: I think Evans just caught a pass.
DAVE: HE DID???? Nice!!!!
ADAM: No wait, it was Price.
And this went on for hours. Nevermind that my favorite team, the Jets, were about to win their first game. I can honestly say that for much of the day, I was more interested in charting the Jaguars defense and Torry Holt's YAC then I was with the Jets. In fact, had I been playing against Chad Pennington I probably would have rooted for the Jets to kick field goals. Can you believe that?!? I need an intervention.
But here's what's worse. And, although I say this every year, I mean it this time. Starting next season, I will ONLY PLAY IN ONE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. This two league nonsense is torture. When you're rooting for Willis McGahee in one league, against him in another, and, oh by the way, he's playing the Jets, you need to stop. You need to close your laptop, walk away from the computer and get help. Now.
And for all those women who don't think their men are sensitive. You should hear our sob stories.
My cousin must have reminded me 100 times that he drafted Stephen Jackson and Drew Brees (both "brilliant" moves when he made them) and they both suck. And everytime he mentions it, I counter that I drafted Brandon Jacobs (I had a hunch) and Lee Evans (another hunch) and I want to sell my team and quit the league. And all of these stories basically go the same way. "I drafted great, I know everything, I should be winning my league, but my players are letting me down. It's not my fault, it's theirs." Obviously, we're all geniuses. Blame the players.
But it's not just us. Every owner has a sob story. Admit it, you walk around the office wondering how your L.T./Maurice Jones-Drew backfield isn't tearing up your league.
Think of how much work-time, girlfriend-time and exercise-time we lose with this nonsense. Trying to make trades and pick up free agents. Searching for a back-up tight end because L.J. Freaking Smith had surgery. Talk about futility.
So, that's it. I quit. I renounce fantasy football. ... Wait, the guy I play this weekend has Hines Ward? And he's doubtful? Nice! I'm back, baby!
